I don't see many women sharing about the trails and tribunes of first trimester. In my experience, this is when i needed the most support, the most condolence and the deepest sense of feeling seen and appreciated in all that was drastically and radically shifting and changing by the moment! A women's world gets completely turned upside down and the lessons come quickly to be felt and released. An overload of hormones is pumping through the body creating more emotional sensitivity and receptivity. All my core wounding, my own birth/womb trauma, body insecurities, fears, unworthiness scripts.. all at the tip of the iceberg! This is when i found it imperative to establish a sound, solid container with my partner and swallow my ego and pride to ask for help when needed!
My body reacts really drastically to an influx of estrogen (flash back to college years on hormonal birth control). In early pregnancy i instantly got bloated, gassy, nauseated, and a general feeling of 'not sexy-ness.' I was told by all my trusted pregnancy apps when i was supposed to start 'showing' and felt so much shame trying to hide my new curves and engorging breasts because it was 'too early!' Until this moment, I had spent equivalent to a lifetime overcoming body dysmorphia from my early years of being in tights and in front of a mirror being told how to manipulate my body to look the most ascetically pleasing. I've spent the past decade empowering girls, teens, and women at all phases of their sacred cycle to love, honor and appreciate their holy body temple - in an attempt to heal the wounded places that still existed within me. I sensed i was actually getting to a place in my own healing journey were i grew into a beautiful and harmonious relationship with my body, we made a speculator team.. until it began taking a life, while making a life, of it's own!
Ok, can i love myself when all the sudden i put on leggings and have 'muffin tops,' when my breasts are so big they are more like lethal weapons then an erogenous zone, and when my thighs begin magnetically attracting each other to be in constant connection.. Yes i can still love myself and find deep deep appreciation for this amazing life inside that is calling me out of all my hidden insecurities.
I truly believe that every journey thru pregnancy and with each unique soul carries a lesson, a thread for us to dive into through each trimester. My first trimester themes were a true embracing of self-love and a letting go of the need to control. My first months of pregnancy left me out of breath after walking a block, nauseous and in child's pose on my yoga mat, and my raw, vegan locavore diet transformed into toast, fried eggs, oatmeal, and anything greasy, salty or carb loaded that may soak up the wild hormone ride. I was bewildered, receiving mixed messages from my body and very confused by it all. I used to work as a snorkel guide on the boats, and now i got sea-sick just rocking in my hammock. I had no taste for the foods that i Love and craving things i won't normally indulge in. I would lay in bed at night in gratitude for bringing me into the deepest surrender i have ever known; often rocking myself to sleep in a salty puddle of cleansing tears. If this child of mine knew how to hit all the right buttons for me to release my 'trips,' moving me into a truer alignment with my divine blueprint and sacred essence.. yes good work little one!
So here i am, in my beautiful 'pregnancy suit' moving into my 4th month of carrying child. My belly is getting happily rounder by the day and my body seems to stretch and plump in all sorts of mysterious places. I am beyond grateful for the increase in energy that allows me to spend some quality time on my yoga mat, enjoying long walks, communing with this precious soul in my womb, dancing, intimate play, as well as diving into the creative arts. I am falling again in love with foods of the Aina (sacred Hawaiian land) and all the ways i love to crunch and spice it up! I've noticed even being 'in the open' about this magical time of creating life inside has helped me release the hiding of my body and begun the journey of deep embracing and curiosity. Like i child i wake up every morning rubbing my belly with amusement and wonder - my bump got bigger! With humble reverence i thank these breasts that will offer my sweet angel the milk of life to nourish it's growing little body. Breath by breath i anchor more of myself into this stunning initiation from Maiden to Mother. Moment by moment the being inside me becomes more alive and personable. This is truly the greatest Gift i have ever received, and i am eternally grateful for all the twists and turns in this journey.
In Service of Beloved,