Tipping the Scales, Journey of a Self-Seeking Guru


Most of my spiritual life has been spent at the feet of swamis, masters, gurus and wise wisdom keepers. The journeys all follow a similar pattern.. I arrive broken, they take me under their wing, teach me, hold me, show me the way back to God, then slowly as my wings regain strength I begin to feel trapped. I begin to experience a smallness in my energy and body that feels contained by a container that I respect too much to break free of. My spirit begins to crave a liberation that I can’t quite grasp. I feel married to a lineage, an ashram, a tribe that has its own agenda and I somehow feel separate. A swami once said to me “do you think you will find water (enlightenment) if you dig one hole 20ft deep or if you dig 10 holes 2ft deep?” I looked at him with wide, curious eyes and said, “well it’s all kind of subjective, what if i spend my whole life digging a hole 20ft deep in this one spot when ‘water’ is 5ft over and 10ft down..” I obviously was not on the same track of thought that he was. Shortly after that conversation, I left the ashram in the midst of the night and spend many months regaining my own will, my own voice, my own connection to Life. 

I have the type of soul that learns from experience - this is also where I share from. Without experience I feel I am missing the essence of the lesson. It’s like being told what chocolate tastes like without ever experiencing it for myself, then being asked to teach others what it tastes like too. I have been told over and over again by many great teachers and mentors the mistakes I’m making, the wounds I’m carrying, the path I should be walking.. and over and over I find myself walking into the fires of my life, burning the path of my lessons and walking/singing/dancing the truth into my bones until it becomes a part of my essence. Often I look back and say “yes ji, you were right.. and I needed to feel it for myself because now I know without doubt that it is truth.” Some may call this stubborn, others may call this wise. I have been labeled ‘unteachable’ by my 'teachers’ and depending on where I am in my own process this will either shatter me to bits or I’ll pat myself on the back and say ‘good work not blindly following!’ 


I have escaped, been kicked out, and other various degrees of separation from many lineages and spiritual communities for this same thread. I get to a point where I feel trapped, controlled and ready to be with God on my own terms. I slowly and subtlety begin to rebel until it becomes obvious that I no longer 'fit.' I find that when any teacher or practice is my sole nourishment for my spirit and this gets taken away I go through a phase of feeling absolutely lost without that source. I confuse the practice/teacher/lineage with my connection to God in a way where I actually feel I won’t again reach that place without that person or space. This creates disempowerment, smallness, and desperation. I hold on like a tooth by a thread just to continue the feeding tube.  It reminds me of holding onto an intimate relationship for a bit longer then the lessons have expired to numb the fear of being alone. 

On this human journey we crave connection, relationships, the desire to be around others who understand and cherish us - to feel a part of something. How often do we sacrifice our soul’s mission, truth or needs to fulfill this basic human condition? Where do we find that lovely balance as we walk the razors edge between Yes and No, Dark and Light? 

On this Libra full moon, I seek balance and liberation. I invite you also to feel into your essence and where you may feel stagnant in relationship, work, practice ect. How can you bring more balance between the spiritual and the physical? Maybe something needs to shed in order to make more space for another to be birthed..? 

Today, I am standing on my own… not forever, but for long enough until I can self-source God in a sustainable and empowered way. I desire to discover the unique codes that are of my own soul’s essence so I can continue to share and heal. My prayer is to Trust, fully and whole-heartedly, my own intuition, guidance and connection to Universal. I let go to let Love.. in. I let go to feel the places in me that desperately want to grasp on to not experience the emptiness inside. I choose to learn my lessons from joy and choice! The more I follow the guidance of the gentle whispers in the wind and catch myself when I’m starting to slip out of alignment, the lessons no longer have to be a bloody massacre that will finally get my attention. 

I’m going to leave you with one of my favorite lessons from Sogyal RInpoche in the Tibetan Book of the Living and Dying


Autobiography In Five Chapters

1) I walk down the street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 

I fall in. 

I am lost... I am hopeless. 

It isn't my fault. 

It takes forever to find a way out. 


2) I walk down the same street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 

I pretend I don't see it. 

I fall in again. 

I can't believe I'm in the same place. 

But it isn't my fault. 

It still takes a long time to get out. 


3) I walk down the same street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 

I see it is there. 

I still fall in... it's a habit. 

My eyes are open. 

I know where I am. 

It is my fault. 

I get out immediately. 


4) I walk down the same street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 

I walk around it. 


5) I walk down another street. 


Leave a comment: Where are you finding freedom and balance on this Libra Full Moon? Where have you given your power away or found yourself walking down the same street and falling into the same hole? What is dying within you in order to birth a deeper Truth of who you really are?

We would love to hear from you!

Blessings Beauty 


x, Alila 


*I am forever grateful and humbled by the wisdom, the care, the teachings and the Love of ALL my mentors, guides, swami's, guru's and teachers!!*